Unresolved Conflict
Dr. Larry Thorson*
Ephesians 2:11-14
Romans 12:17-19
Today’s New
International Version Copyright © 2001, 2005 by International Bible Society
This is the
second part of a little series I’ve adapted from a series Scott Scruggs did at Menlo Park Presbyterian Church this summer called Insomnia
– What Keeps You Up At Night?
Insomnia is what happens when you feel tired night
after night but you just can’t get to sleep or stay asleep long enough to get
rested. A recent and extreme case of
insomnia is that of Michael Jackson who had it so bad that allegedly he paid
his doctor to give him propofol, an anesthesia commonly used to put someone
under for surgery. That mixed with other
medications he was taking apparently triggered a heart attack.
One or two bad nights of sleep may not be insomnia. I’ve prepared many a sermon at
The problem with insomnia if it prolongs is it alters how we look
at life and how we respond to situations.
Instead of waking up praising God for another day, we wake up tired, dreading
what’s ahead. Little things people say
become blown out of proportion because we have less control over our emotions
when we’re tired. That’s why cult groups
use sleep deprivation as a brain washing technique. Insomnia breaks down the rational part of the
mind.
I believe there may be times when God actually keeps you awake to
deliver a message to you that you wouldn’t hear if the rational part of your
mind was dominating. But God for the
most part wants us to be at peace so that our body can get its proper rest.
That’s why Scripture addresses some of the primary catalysts for
insomnia; fear, anxiety and tension.
Last week we looked at what to do when fear of our future keeps us
awake. We looked at the story of Abraham
and how seven times God said to Abraham “I will”…do whatever it takes to get
you where you need to go.” As you’re
going to sleep at night, recite those words of God to Abraham “I will” and know
that no matter how messed up your future looks right now based on your present,
“God will” deliver you where God is calling you to go.
Today we’re going to look at a second catalyst for insomnia; unresolved
conflict. Maybe someone has hurt you or you’ve hurt someone and now you’re
living with these seeds of anger. Think of those seeds as stimulants that stir
the brain, keeping it awake so that it can try to figure out how to deal with
the conflict. Unresolved conflict is a
major catalyst for keeping people up at night.
So we ask how Jesus would resolve
unresolved conflict. But in the church
we’ve probably stereotyped Jesus into a figure who looks more like the Mister
Rogers persona than the Jesus of Scripture. In our minds Jesus is supposed to
be gentle. He is friendly; He is always smiling, always nice. It's always good
to be Jesus' neighbor, which of course totally avoids the fact that Jesus was
constantly engaging in really intense conflicts with people all around Him.
This is the same Jesus who turned over
the money tables in the temple. This is the same Jesus who had the audacity to
call out the hypocrisies of the religious leaders of His day. This is the same
Jesus who would confront His very friends and followers with hard truths they
needed to hear. He called Peter the devil, “Get behind me Satan” because Peter
needed to hear it. He didn't do this
with the intentions of being mean. But never once did Jesus go through His life
just trying to be nice.
You cannot have a healthy spiritual life
and healthy relationships in your life and avoid conflict. Jesus knew that the
kind of relationships that we actually long for are only possible when we stop
avoiding the hard conversations and learn to engage conflict in head-on and
healthier ways.
I was a youth pastor for years, much
longer than I expected. We would take
the kids on the road for choir trips or mission trips and on the Sunday when
they returned to the home church the kids would share their testimonies of the
trip. They would talk about how close
they had become to each other on the trip.
I would sit there in utter amazement because inevitably on the Wednesday
night of a weeklong trip there would be a big blow out where kids were so mad
at each other some of them threatened to get on a plane and fly home. I and the other adult leaders always had to
mediate a big group meeting where each of the sides would get a chance to air
their hurt. The whole trip would seem to
be unraveling, usually at
I’ll say it again, you cannot have a
healthy spiritual life and healthy relationships in your life and avoid
conflict. But conflict isn’t the thing that will keep you up at night. How you handle conflict is what will keep you
up at night. The Apostle Paul said in the biblical book of Ephesians 2:11-14 “Therefore,
remember that formerly you who are Gentiles by birth and called
"uncircumcised" by those who call themselves "the
circumcision" (which is done in the body by human hands)— 12 remember that
at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel
and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in
the world. 13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been
brought near by the blood of Christ. “For he
himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier,
the dividing wall of hostility…”
Here you have first century Jews and
Gentiles who had lived in hostility for centuries getting along in the church
because they’ve come to Jesus. But it wasn’t easy.
To his bi-racial church in
To live at peace with everyone means
that inevitably you’re going to have to deal with head to head conflict with
somebody. You realize that engaging in conflict isn’t always going to end in
perfect resolution. Paul uses the phrase, " If it is possible, as far as it depends
on you, live at peace with everyone” which means you can't control the part
that depends on the other person. You cannot control their response. You cannot
control whether or not they would apologize or forgive. There are times when no
amount of honest dialogue or effort seems to make a difference, and it is
important for us to recognize that our call is to be faithful to the process
of reconciliation, not just to the outcome. Does that make sense?
So the question for us then is what is the process of
reconciliation? How do we faithfully go about the business of living at peace and
resolving conflict? The first step in the process is to go.
Matthew
Jesus took this kind of going really, really seriously. If you were to thumb through the Gospels, you
would find time after time a situation where Jesus is engaging in conflict with
someone…lots of times the religious leaders of His day. But what you will not find…not
once, not ever…is Jesus going to Peter or John and saying, "Can you
believe what those Pharisees are up to? Can you believe what that Nicodemus
came and asked Me last night? What an idiot he is." Not once. Jesus would
have nothing of this. Jesus didn't avoid conflict; He would go to the person he
had conflict with.
When we don't do this, it's about the most damaging thing we can
do to a relationship. Those of you who have had this happen to you, you know
this. When you found out that someone spoke poorly about you behind your back,
it was just like a stake in your heart. It didn't make you want to be closer to
that person. It didn't make you want to
be at peace with that person, did it? Which is why Jesus says, "First, you
go in person to the person you have the conflict with."
Secondly, as we go we have to be willing to admit our part in the problem.
Accusing is about first finding and pointing out the faults in the other
person…what they did to you, what they did wrong, where they have been wrong.
Admitting is about first sharing ownership of your part in the conflict. Jesus
calls us to admit before we accuse.
There are few conflicts in your life in which you are totally
right and the other person is totally wrong.
There are some extreme exceptions I suppose, but they are rare. The
reality is there is always at least a small percentage that you need to own. To
engage in conflict well, you have to be able to own it.
I read a story of a guy who was divorced by his wife and struggled
for years with bitterness and resentment. Numerous attempts at
resolution/reconciliation led nowhere because the conversations were all
accusation. Sometime later they met, and he took a little different approach
and said, "I want to apologize now for the ways I think I hurt you while
we were married."
To his surprise, she was able to then name some of the ways she
hurt him. In that moment of admitting on both sides, a moment of real
forgiveness happened. You see, when two people enter conflict willing to say,
"Here is where I've wronged you or here is what I have done" and they
are able to articulate those things, true forgiveness could be a matter of
inches away but not always.
Admitting also means being willing to say, "This is how I
feel hurt by what you've done." That's different than pointing the finger
in accusation and telling them who you think they are or what they've done. We
go, and we admit. The third thing we do
is pray.
Some of you may be thinking; it seems like this is a bit out of order. We should be praying first
and praying throughout. But too
many Christians want to avoid the go and admit part, and in the
name of going home and praying their way through it, sort of spiritualize it,
which I believe is just another way to avoid the conflict all together. But as
we go and as we are able to admit what we need to own, we indeed have to be
praying. It is essential to be praying. Amidst the conflict, we're often carrying
grudges against others.
I once heard it said that a grudge is like swallowing a poison,
hoping your enemy will die. A grudge is actually what kills us. It’s what keeps us awake at night. Jesus
therefore calls us to love our enemies and pray. Pray for those we feel are persecuting us
because it is how our heart begins to change.
So we go, we admit, we pray, and then one final thing…we stay. We
stick it out but always from a physically and emotionally safe spot. Staying means
we don't just smooth it over so we can get on with our life. Staying doesn't
mean we just sort of do the petty niceties so we can feel calm about it and
then move on to what we were doing before. That is not love. That is actually
indifference. Staying means a commitment to building a stronger relationship
than you had before as far as it depends on you. It means staying tuned in to
the relationship you've been called to reconcile.
You may be asking yourself, why would I want to do that? I don't like the person with whom I'm
having conflict. I’ve tried and tried and it doesn’t work. I don't get along with that person. The
reason we do this is because this is what God has done for you and me. See God
did not just stay at a distance and resolve to just try to be nice. God came in
the person of Jesus. Jesus did not come accusing us of our sins. Rightly He
could have. Jesus, having no fault of His own, took sin on Himself, and admitted
our faults. From the cross, Jesus prayed, "Father, forgive them. They have
no idea what they're doing." Then Jesus through His Spirit has stuck it
out with us day after day ever since, being faithful to us through all the ups
and downs, through all the twists and turns, through all the conflict.
Maybe there is someone you have given up on. Maybe there is
someone you've written off. Maybe there is someone you have hurt, and you have
been avoiding owning up to that. Maybe you're avoiding that person all
together. That means there is a lot we can be doing today, this week, and as we
go from here.
So with that in mind, let us pray. In the quiet of your heart, I
would like to give you just a few moments to confess. I'm not asking you to
feel bad about what’s gone on in the past. I'm asking you to confess that maybe
it could have been done differently. Maybe you can do it differently now. I want to ask you to receive a new blessing
that in Jesus Christ, God has reconciled the world unto Himself. That means all
your sins have been taken care of…past, present, and future. That means there
is grace for you in this. In this moment, you need to breathe in God's
unconditional love for you, His justice and mercy embodied on the cross.
Jesus, we pray we would receive from You now all the grace we need
to fill up our hearts with overwhelming abundance that we might make peace with
You and then go from this place and make peace with the people in this world
that You so love. We pray this in Your name, Amen.
*Sermon adapted from a sermon
preached by Scott Scruggs on